The Weeks Leading Up
Starting in January 2020, Jaden and I decided we were ready to start trying for our second baby. I had been tracking my periods and ovulation so I was certain I knew when the best time to try for a baby was so we went to work!
February came around, nothing. March, nothing. Finally, on April 4th, 2020, I had my first positive pregnancy test! I was SO excited and I immediately surprised Jaden by laying the test on his bedside table so that it was the first thing he saw when he woke up. The next day, we told my family and the day after that, we told Jaden’s. Everyone was very excited and what was even more exciting was that my sister-in-law was already a few months along with her second baby too so I was happy to have our babies so close in age again.
Not long after my positive test, I began spotting. This was the first sign, although we didn’t know it yet. At first, I wasn’t that worried because I spotted a little with Lexi…but it got heavier and never stopped. I began to worry and I brought it up to my doctor on April 17th, when I had my first appointment over video call. She seemed a little concerned but said that spotting can be normal in the first trimester but she wanted to set up an ultrasound to be safe.
Before my first US, I was freaking out. My spotting continued, off and on, and I prayed that everything was going to be okay. On April 21st, I went in for my first US. The tech asked how far along I was and I told her 8 weeks. She used a tranvaginal ultrasound and all she saw was the smallest sac but nothing inside. She asked if I was sure about my dates and I assured her I was. She then told me, with doubt in her face, that what she was seeing was not what you would expect to see at 8 weeks along. My doctor then decided to pull my blood to check my hCG levels (a hormone that detects pregnancy).
On April 22nd, I got a call saying my levels were at ~5000 which was normal for a 5-6 week pregnancy, my ultrasound also showed what you might see at 5-6 weeks. I met with my doctor and she said she thought that I ovulated late and asked if my husband and I had intercourse around what would be the start of my next period. We did, so she became pretty sure that was the case, although I told her countless times that I didn’t think that was right because I had religiously been tracking my ovulation but…I didn’t want to argue with her, I mean she is the doctor. At the end of that appointment, my blood was pulled again.
On April 27th, I was told that my levels were now at 9,000. This was good but my doctor wanted to continue pulling blood until my next US appointment which was scheduled for May 12th.
On April 28th, I went back to pull it once more and the next day I got a call saying that they were at 30,000! This was the second sign, but again…we didn’t know it yet. Although my levels skyrocketed, my doctor decided I didn’t need to pull anymore blood and told me just to wait for my US appointment.
The week leading up the appointment, things got progressively worse. I got SO sick. I was sick with my first pregnancy but this was so different. That was the third sign. I also just felt…off. I kept feeling like something wasn’t right. I prayed every single night for a sign that everything was okay but got nothing. I had one very scary nightmare that I had died during childbirth. I woke up the next day pondering that. Was God trying to tell me something? Something in me felt like He was telling me that this pregnancy couldn’t continue…for my life’s sake.
I want to say that I have always been very close in my relationship with our Heavenly Father. I had been through a very traumatizing experience in highschool with bullying and prayer is something that really helped me through it. Throughout my life, I could always feel His guidance and love and this time was no different. I could feel that I was being told that my intuition was correct even though I really hoped I was wrong.
On May 9th, I cancelled my US appointment because I was way too sick to go. I couldn’t get out of bed, I was vomiting and I just felt miserable. My spotting also got heavier, almost like a light period.
*WARNING* NEXT PART GETS A LITTLE GRAPHIC!
On May 12th, I miscarried. I had just eaten lunch and was on the phone with my mom when I just started pouring blood. I got off the phone with my mom and ran to the toilet. I passed what looked exactly like a gestational sac. I sat on the toilet and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I had googled everything about miscarriage and even looked at images of what it looked like and this was it.
I walked out to Jaden who was sitting at his desk. He looked at me and in tears, all I could manage to get out was “it’s over”.
He held me while I cried. Lexi was taking a nap so I was thankful she didn’t have to witness any of that but we were both just heartbroken.
Being Diagnosed
Later that day, I called my doctor who told me to come in the next day and said I wouldn’t be seeing her and only a nurse. The office that I usually went to was also booked so I had to drive an extra 20 minutes to a different office, which was fine, I just wanted to get this over with.
On May 13th, I went in for my appointment. The nurse came in and examined me, just like if I was having a pap done. She said it looked like I had passed the sac and everything was passing fine so she said she didn’t think I needed medication or a D&C. Then she pulled up my chart…
She noticed my hCG levels were at 30,000 a couple weeks ago and asked about my symptoms. I told her I was incredibly sick. She asked if I had been spotting and I told her I had been spotting since finding out I was pregnant. All of a sudden, her face looked suspicious. She then said “you know what, I’m gonna have you get an ultrasound done as soon as possible just to take a look and make sure everything looks good inside”. She left the room and I overheard her tell another girl to tell the ultrasound tech to get me in at the next minute she could.
I went back out and waited in the waiting room. At this point, I was not that concerned, I just thought it was nice that she told me that everything looked good but wanted to just make sure.
In the ultrasound room, the tech took a ton of pictures. I could see the screen but had no idea what I was looking at. I examined her face every now and then but she never looked worried, so I didn’t worry. After she was done, she said she was going to go talk to the nurse to let her know how my ultrasound went.
While waiting, I broke down. It just hit me again that I lost a baby.
The tech came back in and said that a doctor wanted to see me. I was a little confused but thought…whatever.
A doctor came in, who wasn’t my regular doctor, but he seemed nice. He sat down and made a comment about how I have had a long day at this doctor’s office. He then got right to point and this is what he explained to me…
I had a molar pregnancy. In a molar pregnancy, at conception, genes do not code correctly and instead either double or do not accept the father’s genes. This causes a genetic deformity. From there, a sac is formed but a living baby is not present. The body still thinks that it is a viable pregnancy and begins pushing tissue into the uterus creating cysts all over the uterus. On an ultrasound, this looks like I swallowed a ton of grapes and those grapes are having little grape babies and they are just partying inside my uterus. The concerning part of this type of pregnancy is that the cysts can possibly be cancerous. If that is the case, I will need chemotherapy and might never be able to conceive again. The problem is, there is not enough research to know whether or not the tissue is cancerous or not. The only way they have found to tell is if the body continues to produce hCG and pushes tissue into the uterus even after a D&C surgery (a surgery that involves scraping and removing all contents of the uterus).
Also, guess what the early signs are for molar pregnancy?
- High hCG levels, that skyrocket in short periods of time
- Spotting/Bleeding for a long duration in the first trimester
- Severe nausea/vomiting
And I had all three…
He told me that I would need a D&C as soon as possible to scrape my uterus of all of the tissue, he would then send it into the lab to be tested to confirm it was a molar pregnancy. He also told me this was VERY rare. When it does happen, it tends to happen to women under 20 and over 35 who have never been pregnant before. I am 25 and had a perfectly healthy pregnancy before so he said my case was even rarer.
He also said they don’t know why this happens but he is hopeful for me. Since I had a perfectly healthy baby once before, my body should hopefully be able to figure that out again one day. But he said we have to do all this hard stuff first and get me healthy again before we could even talk about that.
After that appointment, I got in the car and immediately called Jaden. I cried hysterically. I then called my mom. I went into my appointment expecting to hear “Yes, you miscarried but in another month or two, you can try again” and instead I got “You never carried a living baby but you still need surgery to clean out your uterus…oh and you may have cancer”.
When I was on the phone with my mom, she told me to ask Jaden if he could ask his family to give me a blessing. My mom is a firm believer in blessings. I called Jaden back who was at his parent’s house at the time and asked him if he could have his family give me a blessing. For those that don’t know, Jaden’s family are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and my mom was raised in the church which is why she knew about blessings and strongly believes in them.
I won’t get too religious here because I do not want to make anyone uncomfortable so I will be short. During my blessing, I felt so safe. I felt peace. I felt like everything was going to be okay and that no matter what, I was going to be taken care of.
On May 15th, I had my D&C surgery. Due to Covid, Jaden was not allowed in the hospital with me which was TERRIFYING. I had never gotten surgery before so I was scared to death and couldn’t even have my husband there to comfort me. I was there for about 4 hours. Most of it was just waiting for the actual surgery. We checked in at 10, and they finally took me back about 12:45. All I remember was the anesthesiologist saying “I had to cut your dose in half because you’re so tiny!” and I was out. All I remember next was waking up in the recovery room, drowsy and so out of it! The nurse came to me and said “Hey Nissa, you’re at the hospital, you just got out of surgery and you are a little woozy because of the anesthesia”. He walked over to call Jaden and we left the hospital at about 2:30. It would have been earlier but it took me about an hour to wake up from the anesthesia.
From there, recovery went well. That night, I already felt normal. I had light bleeding, which was normal and hardly any pain. Any pain I did have was relieved by some good ‘ol Advil.
On May 22nd, I had my follow-up appointment with the doctor. The same doctor that diagnosed me also performed my surgery and I have also switched from my original primary doctor to him. He said before surgery my hCG levels were at +299,000 which was REALLY high and after surgery, they were at ~6,500, which was great. He told me I had been recovering well and that he was super proud of me. My pathology results came back confirming that I had a complete molar pregnancy, which was not surprising.
WHERE ARE WE NOW
The game plan is that I have to get my blood drawn every week to monitor my hCG levels and make sure they are decreasing. So far my tests have been…
Week 1 Post Surgery: ~6500
Week 2: ~1200
Week 3: ~370
Today is June 8th, and I just got the call about my week 3 results. Once they reach 0, I have to go in monthly to draw my blood to make sure they stay at 0. If all looks good then my doctor will give us the go on trying to conceive again.
As of now, it is crucial that I do not get pregnant while my blood is being tested. This is because it will be hard to tell if my hCG levels are rising because of pregnancy or if it is because the cysts have returned. Remember, if my levels rise, that is a good indication that they are cancerous and I will have to undergo chemotherapy but on the positive side, my doctor says my levels are decreasing nicely and as of now, he is not concerned therefore we shouldn’t be either.
Wrapping this up, here is what I have to say…
I am so…confused. Miscarriage is heartbreaking enough but this wasn’t a normal miscarriage. If it was, I could be pregnant or trying to get pregnant right now but I can’t. I am so angry with my body because I just don’t understand how my first pregnancy went perfectly. No complications, no worries, I had a perfectly healthy, beautiful baby…so why couldn’t it figure it out a second time?
The worst part is seeing other pregnant women. As I mentioned earlier, my sister in law is pregnant with my second gorgeous niece and I am very excited. I pray for her every night that her and baby girl are healthy. But it still rips me apart inside to know that I can’t experience that. I would give anything to be in her position. I would give anything to feel those sweet baby kicks, to hear that galloping heartbeat, and to watch my belly grow every day. I look back at when I had Lexi and how perfect that day was. I would give anything to have that moment again.
We are all getting through this. My family and I. But still, I break down every now and then. Why did this have to happen to me? Is God punishing me? What did I do wrong?? I get the same answers…it could happen to anyone, I am not being punished, and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. It just happens.
I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. So I try to remind myself that even though I don’t fully understand it right now, a time will come when I will. Maybe this is just not the right time, there is a different plan for us. I know God isn’t punishing me. He wouldn’t do that. Instead, I believe He has other plans for us. Better plans. I trust Him.
All we can do right now is try to remain positive. Take it a day at a time.
I am hopeful.
I will continue to update on here simply for myself and others who are curious or might be going through something similar. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.
If I can get anything out of this experience, it would be to do my part to raise awareness about this horrible diagnosis and to help others that might be dealing with the same thing. I feel totally alone in this but by posting this and talking about it, I am hoping that those who also had a molar pregnancy that stumble upon this post don’t have to feel that way.
Nissa St Gelais 